My heart broke into a million pieces, the day I had to bury the truest love I have ever known. In my eyes, the world was over for me, because "what is life?", without some one to share it with.
Life without love, without "family", isn't really living. It is simply existing. Community, comradery, emotion and experience is all based on love for others. My love was gone. I had nothing left. There was nothing more for me to do but wait for it to be over.
Months and months I waited, sick with anxiety. When will it come? While I waited, I slowly pushed my way out of the reaches of life around me. I stopped hobbies, I moved away from others I loved. I stayed alone and did 'nothing'.
Time passed, the end did not come, confusion settled in. Finally I stood up and looked around me, I realized that even though there was a missing piece, nothing really changed. That love was all around, even while the embodiment of that love was not.
We shared a love that was not our own. Love has no owner. Love does not end, love IS, and becomes a part of you. Even if you abandon love, love will not abandon you.
No that my spirit was refreshed, I realized the love was overflowing. I wasted all that time feeling abandoned by love, when I was drowning in it, and it was waiting for me. Love waited for me to wake up from my distraction, and share it again, with those around me. It pulled at my inner most being, and begged I share it, because to my surprise, there are people out there who have never known love.
These are the people that I want to find with love. These are the people who need to be found, by all of us. Our journey in love is their hope.
To the end of the earth I will search for you, for I, want to love again.
This is the short version of a long and difficult journey for me that has spanned nearly three years now.
I left out the details so that you could see the core of the issue.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
Sun shining through branches,
dancing in the wind.
Clouds, leisurely crossing
the open sky.
Here I sit. In silence.
Under the protection of
a deep rooted oasis,
I wait for you. Silently.
Patiently, I fantasize of our rendezvous.
Lost in time I take in the beauty
that surrounds me.
Beauty in the silence.
Beauty in the wait.
Only then do I realize,
You are here,
in the silence,
awaiting my arrival.
Friday, July 15, 2011
So I just finished an amazing book. And I would definitely put it at the top of the required reading list if I started a class built around 'Simplicity'.
About 6 months ago, I saw this book, and didn't think it sounded interesting, so I moved on.
I must have been having a weird day or something because when I went to the bookstore Monday looking for something to inspire me after my depressing performance at boilermaker, this seemed to fit the bill perfectly.
I am absolutely obsessed with running. I think about it most of the day, everyday. I read tons of blogs and books on it.
The problem is, as much as I love it, I am absolutely no good at it. I mean granted I have never had any training or anything like that. I just started running, and I loved the feeling of getting lost in myself out on a trail, with nothing to distract me or steal my attention away from admiring the beauty around me.
I really wanted to be able to run farther and longer, and in this book it seemed that he was searching for the same thing..
Now of course I couldn't put this book down. Not only did I gain a ton of insight to myself as a runner, but I gained insight to myself as a person.
This was like a gift with purchase. It was above and beyond what I was looking for. As you all know from reading my blog, I really want to get back to the simplicity of life. It is just who I am, to be in tune with myself and my surroundings, and take the complications out of everyday things.
Go read this book, even if you're not a runner. It is an amazing story of the journey of a man looking for an answer and finding treasure chest of knowledge and experience.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
I feel like I have been letting my very small amount of readers down, due to my lack of posts. I hope this is not true. You see, I am a perfectionist, and I sometimes feel like I am not putting enough effort or thought into my writing. Not wanting to "jip" anyone.. I just will not post those thoughts.
Then, I decided this isn't really fair either.
My readers should be allowed to see me and my thoughts at their rawest, and most refined stages.
That in mind. I am just about to head home from work.
Instead of driving 25 minutes from my new home to my gym, I decided to run "the hills".
I live on what is called the hills just out side of the valley that encompasses central NY. There is an elevation difference of about 500ft from 'town' to my house.
I ran these hills in the hot muggy day we had yesterday..3.25 miles of them, and when I returned home, I was sopping wet. I felt gross and amazed at the same time. Running like that is so much different than running on a treadmil. Yes my mil/hr was disgustingly slow, but I FELT amazing.
My whole body was worked in running, it wasn't a mindless machine propelled run.
As I ran, I could feel every slap of my foot on the pavement, and the impact that it had on my entire body. With every swing of my arm I could feel my muscles stretching and retracting. Time actually slowed down in perspective.
The smell of the countryside mixed with the sun beginning to drop low in the sky gave an amazing scene. There was a point when I even ran past a toad parked on the edge of the pavement, right where the grass began. He didn't even flinch as I ran past him (in one step mind you). I could see deer tracks in the dirt path I was running on (to stay the furthest from the road).
I've run these hills before, but everything felt so new, and yet so familiar.
What I learned today.